Again, it’s happening. Time and space swirl around your body. You feel your stomach lurch forward as your body collapses into your navel. Life is now a suggestion as you become enveloped in rift of visual horror far too explicit for this blog. When you wake up you feel as if you were lost in another country, and yet, everything feels so similar.
Okay, did you hear that? That was freaking awesome Pokemon chiptunes right there. It all started long ago in 1996 with the Pokemon Black and White versions. Man those were the days, back when Pokemon was GOOD. But recently, I turned on the TV and I saw this crazy brand new “Pokemon Red and Green” stuff. So I checked it out and man, Pokemon is terrible now.
Okay, first of all, the mechanics are TOO complex now. I hate reusable TMs, the effort value system, and breeding. Huh? What do you mean effort values always existed? Well, if it didn’t exist when I was six, then it didn’t exist until I found out about it, like North Dakota! And what do you mean HMs can be deleted? Cut is a top tier move for any starter!
But anyway, let’s get to the important business, these new Pokemon from Japan are the worst, most unoriginal, abominations that will probably eat your kids.
Art by: arkeis-pokemon
The REAL starters are Snivy, Tepig, and Oshawott. I honestly don’t get these Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle things. Like, seriously? Ooh, Venusaur, it’s an ugly toad that has a flower… And just gets uglier. Then we have a dragon that’s not original at all, Charizard. Finally, there’s this turtle with metal cannons, what is he? A Digimon?! MegaMetalTurtlemon? Man, all these Pokemon may as well BE Digimon!
Just take a look at what you start with! Butterfree and Beedrill are just regular bugs, Pidgeot and Fearow are ordinary birds, and Raticate is just something to heap HMs onto! He may as well be Bibarel version 2! But worse because he’s not Bibarel! They’re all SO unoriginal-looking animals!
Art by: お茶子
Oh man, there are so many rip-offs in the new games! Emolga is the true mascot of the series! Plusle, Minun, and Pachirisu are total copycats! But this Pikachu thing just tips me over the edge! Emolga is Hilbert’s starting Pokemon in the cartoon! (Which by the way, I totally hate his new companions Brock and Misty! The good episodes were on KidsWB with Iris and Cilan)
The designs are too complicated! Arbok has too much color on his chest! Sandslash and Nidoking/Queen families have too many spikes and colors! They don’t look like real animals! And they should all be in black and white, like the game on the original Gameboy, which still needed AA batteries. None of this rechargable backlight bullcrap.
What’s this Clefable and Wigglytuff stuff? We have balloon Pokemon now? (Vanilluxe was so much better) And “moon fairy alien” Pokemon now? Besides, in the cartoon, there was always an adorable Minccino that would follow Hilbert and his friends around, use Sing, and then draw all over their faces, that’s what makes him great and these guys lame.
Art by: ゲロ
Ninetales and Arcanine -> Furry bait. Such pandering, Game Freak, such tasteless pandering. But the worst, most, tasteless furry is Eevee and his millions of gimmicky evolutions. Selling out, Game Freak, you’re selling out. I remember when Pokemon like Zoroark meant something. Rapidash panders to little girls that want ponies and unicorns. And he’s just a horse on fire. All Pokemon must be more than uncreative animals to be “a Pokemon” Man, the original 156 never had these kinds of cheap marketing gimmicks.
More ugly things you’ll never get away from. It’s bad enough I have to see them in the first place but the Golbat, Golem, and Tentacruel families are just EVERYWHERE. Golbat is just stupid with that XXL mouth and tongue of his. Golem’s family starts as a boring unoriginal rock with arms, becomes a bigger rock with four arms, and then loses them again. Tentacruel is just an annoying Pokemon with super weird red bulges on his head. Just too many weird things slapped on these Pokemon.
Vileplume and Victreebel. One of them has a way too big flower full of weird spots and stuff on it. No spots or stripes on my Pokemon! The other has this gaping mouth with teeth and even more ugly spots. What kind of plant eats things?! Exeggutor is even worse! Eggs? That become coconuts? With too many heads? Who makes food Pokemon anyway?
Venomoth, I bet my little cousin could draw one of those two with her crayons. Venomoth is just a moth! Primeape is just a fuzzball and a pig-monkey. Make up your mind with your weird animal hybrids, Gamefreak! Golduck changes color to blue. Then he has this super unnecessary gem on his head. Same goes for Persian. And Parasect is ruined because of his giant mushroom. Weird spots and colors ruin Pokemon. They must all be monochromatic with nothing on them, no charms or orbs or anything.
Art by: Khalitzburg
But it gets even worse, just what are Dugtrio and Magneton anyway? They’re just things! Don’t you lie to me Game Freak, Diglett’s family is a mound of dirt with nothing on it that becomes three mounds (of crap). How original! And don’t lie to me about him being a mole either. Just like how you lied about Victini and the other event legendary Pokemon. There are 156 Pokemon, not 152, you liars! And speaking of things, Magneton, Electrode, Muk, Weezing, Porygon and Ditto aren’t even animals! They’re machines, blobs, and balls! All Pokemon must be animals! Otherwise, it’s not a Pokemon! Cuz I say so!
Poliwrath, Hitmonchan, Hitmonlee, Alakazam, Marowak, and Machamp are not Pokemon. They’re Digimon. Just where do they get their spoons, gloves, and belts? Only Digimon have armor and weapons on them, but not Pokemon! Oh and Digimon went downhill too, but that’s another story.
Dodrio and Farfetch’d are terrible too. The former has too many heads and the latter is just a bird, dinner to be exact! Gengar and Onix are more like things than Pokemon. I bet the developers drew Gastly when they were using the spray paint in MS Paint!
Slowbro, Dewgong, Cloyster, Kinger, Lapras, Seadra, Starmie, Gyarados, and Seaking are just in a long line of copcat water type Pokemon. I remember when each Pokemon of our sea of water types (lol get it? Sea?) was made with love and care like good games such as Super Smash Brothers, which I was the best at while using Fox (unless you were cheap and used Kirby, Link, Captain Falcon, Emolga, Ness, Mario, another Fox, or Mario, or…)
Sigh, more Digimon. These aren’t even Pokemon games anymore, they’re Digimon: Red and Green. Hypno, Mr. Mime, Jynx, Rhydon, Electabuzz, Magmar, Pinsir, Scyther, Aerodactyl, Omastar, and Kabutops are all way too complex. Some of these guys look too much like people like the first three. Others have too many spikes like those rock types and then there are guys with chains, sword hands, spikey horns, and buttheads. If the Pokemon don’t look just like my hazy sepia-colored flashbacks of when I was ten, I’m sticking to Black and White!
Art by: ゲロ
Chancey, Likitung, Kangaskhan, Tauros, and Snorlax. I don’t get Nintendo’s fascination with making fat normal Pokemon, like that one tubby kid from the playground who was the only guy who could beat me at Mario Kart 64, the first and best Mario game! (I always hated his guts) Because back then Nintendo was making the first Zelda game, Ocarina of Time, they were making Pokemon Black and White. Is this payback Nintendo? Like when you made Superman 64? These Pokemon would be 1000000% cooler if they all looked as cool as Hydreigon, Samurott, and Zoroark and the rest of the original 156! All of them!
Special DIShonorable mention to Dragonite, that guy is such a lame dragon. He’s like Barney the Dinosaur in a video game. If you ask me, the Sesame Street video game Nintendo made for the MS DOS back in the good old days was sooo much better. Especially on my dad’s computer with the funny screensaver.
Art by: (＾ｐ＾)
Aritcuno, Zapdos, and Moltres were just jabbed right in only to bloat the number of legends we have. They don’t even have a story! Their names are stupid too! In Japan they’re “Freezer, Thunder, and Fire”. And this Mewtwo thing, he is the ugliest Pokemon with his tri-suction cup hands and two necks. Mew is even worse, he’s a pink cat! I bet even my little sister can come up with him! I remember when being legendary meant something like the ORIGINAL fire/lightning/ice trio Reshiram, Zekrom, and Kyurem!
Okay Nintendo! I remember when you made good games like Final Fantasy VII and the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Game. And I KNOW you have this stupid Pokemon Blue version coming out soon, so here are my demands. I want Blue version to be on an old black and white Gameboy totally incompatible with your 3DS garbage. It must only have old Pokemon, the original 156 (and MissingNo), with NO gameplay advancements and must come in a GI-Joe lunchbox with chocolate milk and a VHS cassette with some old Nickelodeon cartoons on it. Got it? Good. Get to work on it. If you need me, I’ll be in my office, filling out some coloring books and looking at photos from my junior high prom for the third time this week.
Tune in next time when I’ll tell you why actually liking things is super uncool but pretending to like things (aka ironically) is!