SIYM Presents: Fighting a Losing Battle?

"Don't worry, launching before MW3 is clearly a better strategy."

Ladies and gentlemen, Battlefield 3! And here’s your host, Mr. 10th prestige himself, SIYM1207!

Hello everyone! How’s everyone doing tonight? Good? Good!

This is not a “first impressions” nor a “review” but since the beta is out I figured I would at least give it a go and tell you guys what I think about it. I’m not a Battlefield fan so I went into this a little skeptical considering my less than favorable history with the franchise’s hard-on for big maps and gun physics. Also, rather than just spout my blasphemy in typical paragraph/cunning-wordplay style, I decided to just run everyone through my thought process while playing the beta. So, without further ado, enjoy!

(1 gigabyte later)

“YES! It’s done downloading! Time to rape some noobs!”

“Boy, this is cool. New game and everything. It’s always nice to have a fresh experience every now and again.”

Let’s see here, ah, the menu screen. A “co-op” option right off the bat? Awesome! Well, multiplayer is the only thing available so we might as well work with that. Now what, “Quickmatch?” Do the developers really need to convince me that their matchmaking is “quick?” I mean, we all know that it can be an unpredictable process but wouldn’t it be more honest just to say “Find Game” instead? Ya know, as to not heightened expectations? Oh well, maybe I’m just being nit-picky.”

(several menu expeditions later)

“Haha, that’s funny how they give you the option to select gametype and map when there’s only one available!”

“Alright, here we go, in a game at last. Let’s see, Assault, Recon, Enginneer, and “Support??? What the hell? No Medic class anymore? Oh, I see, they moved the reviving abilities to the Assault class. Interesting. And now, it’s the Support class that can drop ammo boxes. That’s cool. I really didn’t care much for all the Assault douchebags from BBC2 that constantly jerked-off their own ammo crates for noob-tubes. Engineer? More of the same. Recon? Same thing. Although I hear they can now work with a tactical insertion-ish equipment that aids in determining spawn points. Nice! I was beginning to think that developers would never learn that the best way to create an intelligent spawn system is to keep opposing team spawns as opposite and symmetrical as possible. Now, I never have to worry about some asshole picking off my team in our own spawn.”

“Finally, some gameplay! Gee, the framerate’s a little . . . less than I was expecting. But hey, I guess that’s what happens when you market a game on a multi-core computer. Console gaming is so inferior anyway. Animations are nice. Full-range of motion all around. No body parts missing or disappearing no matter what you do. Now, let’s get used to the controls before heading off into battle. After all, I’m sure I’ll be safe in my spawn. With all the millions of dollars that go into developing these games, I’m sure they at least gave a shrug of a shoulder to working in a logical spawn system. Here we go: Prone…check! Crouch…check! Sprint…check! Chicken dance…O_-…check! And lastly, a little gunplay on this tree over here. Let’s aim down the…


“WTF? Oh! An enemy in our spawn. Haha. Nice one DICE! For a minute there I actually thought this was going to be different than the last Battlefield. At least fans will feel right at home. Alright, let’s shake off the fail and PWN some noobs!”

(some linear Battlefield gameplay later)

“Ya know what DICE? This whole realism thing really belongs in a simulator. I appreciate the “next-gen” animations and everything, but taking a half-second longer to go prone and stand-up isn’t exactly doing anyone favors in competitive multiplayer. Especially when campers are aimed on your position and waiting for your head to pop out of cover.Oh well, next match should be different.’

(next match)

“So far so good. Now, we’re the defenders . Might as well go camp the objective. Don’t want to rush out and make a fool of myself or anything. Alright, here’s a little a trench to post-up at. I’ll just crouch and . . . WHAT?!? What just happened?!? OH…MY…GOD!!! I’m under the map!!! Glitch-fest FTW!!!

(several ground hacks later)

“Wow, I’ve never seen an opposing team leave a lobby so early into a match. It’s not like we were cheating or anything. Anyhoo, that was fun! In less than an hour, I managed to play the beta and confirm my decision to stay away from E.A. unless Commander Shepard is there handing out free copies of Mass Effect 3 and Miranda’s ass.”

-Fifth Fleet Out-

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