Manic Movie Magic: Where the Scary Movies At?

So I was looking at the line up for the big blockbusters of the summer as is my job on this here lovely site, and I realized something. There are no big horror thrillers coming out this summer. And no, Prometheus doesn’t count. Now, you might think nothing of it, might not have even noticed it, but not even really cheesy bad horror movies have come out in the theater which is a surprise. Movies make the most money during the summer, and besides October, the summer time is where the most of big names pull out their “scariest” flicks. So, what the Hell Hollywood? Where my scary movies at?

Maybe I should be glad we're not getting one of these?

Now, to be fair, it’s not exactly true that we’re not getting any horror movies this summer. In August (which will be fully featured as the last part of my guide soon, I swear) we do get two horror films – The Apparition and The Possession. But they are coming out the last two weekends of August, in what I call the summer dulldrums. In August, people are getting their things together for college, having end-of-summer barbeques and parties, trying to get in as much beach and relaxation time as possible, not exactly a movie-going time. And not to be judgmental, or nothing, but they both look stupid.

The Apparition follows a group of a scientists testing out, and proving, that ghosts and other paranormal shit only exists because we believe it does. Because somehow believing in something that so few people have seen is going to psychically make it exist. You can’t just make things exist movie, there is physics involved here, called the law of matter conversation; you can’t just make something out of nothing but thoughts and nightmares! But then, apparently, it’s like a virus, so once you believe it exists you will get killed by it. How does that even work, movie??? And what’s worse, in the trailer when you see the monster, its a J-Horror rip off of The Grudge, and when you REALLY think about it, it’s the same plot too. Worst part, Ashley Greene of Twilight fame is the main character. Best part? Draco Malfoy’s here too.

Wave your wand, and produce a better movie, dammit!

The Possession is even stupider still. Its every exorcism movie you’ve ever seen, but instead of Catholic priests, we’ve got Jewish rabbis. I shit you not, that is the only major change there is to the plot. A little girl finds a mystical box at a garage sale, opens it, and unleashes a child-stealing demon. Blah blah blah possession, blah blah blah moths coming out of her mouth, blah blah blah rejecting the word of God. Literally, it’s like they took The Exorcist, changed some of the characters, used it as toilet paper and called it a new movie.

I’m hoping beyond hope that this movie is actually good, and I am wrong, because I hate carbon copies of exorcism movies almost as much as foreign remakes. If you wanna do an exorcism story, make it original, make it cool. The film does have the bonus of having an actor from Supernatural and Kyra Sedgwick who are both boss and looking very aethestically awesome, but otherwise it just looks bland and predictable.

Based on a true story? Heard that lie before.

But that still doesn’t explain the lack of horror movies during the rest of this summer season. Maybe movie producers finally realized it takes time, a good script, and a talented director to make a great film. maybe they realized there was no way they were going to be able to do as well as Cabin in the Woods. Maybe scary movies are falling out of style, like the Western, which I hope not cause then I’d be out of the job. In the end, I can’t even begin to tell you how the Hollywood mindset works other than trying to make money, cause otherwise, I’d be working as an agent out in California right now, raking in the dough. But what I do know is that if there are any scary movies in the works, they are A) All being somewhat reworked for October, and B) Were probably too worried about competing with the foray of other amazing films coming out this summer.

Next week, I’ll be releasing my June Stay Tuned Once Upon a Time and another Manic Movie Magic of whatever movie I see…lack of car and limited funds does not a happy movie critic make.

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Starshine5050

As just a regular, hard-working work, often-stressing, procrastination-mastering history and journalism student, I often turn to the silver and small screens for relief, even though I'm only an average cinema-and-television loving viewer, commenting on what, and does not, makes good entertainment. I love horror everything - book, TV shows, games, movies - even though they frighten me terribly. I'm a long time believer of the old saying "When life gives you lemons, don't take life's lemons! Give the lemons back!" So, onward I go, returning lemons and logging an unhealthy amount of screen time for your enjoyment. So please be sure to read my stuff and let me know what you think, I'm alway looking to improve and be the best, most cynical critic I can be!

Latest posts by Starshine5050 (see all)

Starshine5050

As just a regular, hard-working work, often-stressing, procrastination-mastering history and journalism student, I often turn to the silver and small screens for relief, even though I'm only an average cinema-and-television loving viewer, commenting on what, and does not, makes good entertainment. I love horror everything - book, TV shows, games, movies - even though they frighten me terribly. I'm a long time believer of the old saying "When life gives you lemons, don't take life's lemons! Give the lemons back!" So, onward I go, returning lemons and logging an unhealthy amount of screen time for your enjoyment. So please be sure to read my stuff and let me know what you think, I'm alway looking to improve and be the best, most cynical critic I can be!

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  1. Pingback: The Conjuring Review | Moar Powah!

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