Sanity’s Other Side: A Necromancer’s Guide to Surviving a Zombie Attack

Zombies have come to the public mind yet again. So I guess I’ll uh… I dunno give you guys a zombie article tonight

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I am the Inverseman, bringing you dear readers, a fragment of my quintessential zombie survival guide. Now you may wonder, “Why, good sir, should we take your advice over the plethora of other zombie survival guides on our library shelves?” An excellent question! That’s because I have the one thing other zombie guide writers lack, firsthand zombie-handling experience! It is one matter to say, know how to drive an automobile, but it is a completely different matter to have been the one who created it! Anyone would surmise to say the same procedure applies to zombies as well! So let’s get started.

Four easy tips to survive the zombie apocolypse

1. NEVER surround yourself with attractive women (or women of any kind for that matter)

Time after time, I happen upon some upstart group of zombie hunters, typically a few secondary school age lads and lasses, that feel as if they could challenge the undead horde. And among the group would be some young ill-clad girls. There is no easier way to put your life in danger my friends. The exposed breasts and panties call for easy targets because frankly, I do not care if your female companions are versed in swordplay, firearms, and exorcist arts. It matters little to me if your friend is from a family line of zombie hunters or if  she knows plenty of other zombie hunting women in some infernal community that is destroying my life’s work! Um… Ahem! The human race is at stake and it is imperative that we protect the women should the species have to rebuild. So gentlemen, tell your ladies that you shall right the predicament and that they can take shelter without fear because they are the saviors of the species. But if they insist that they must fight, tell them to cover up! For their protection!

 

2. Get a government job

The local government is the safest place to be when a zombie outbreak occurs. Why put your life on the line with some stranger who believes he or she can discover the reason for the attack and dives in gung-ho with his or her compatriots? If you’re with the military, disguised as a normal nearly-nameless human, I can assure you at 92% that the zombies will pay you no mind whatsoever. That’s because the zombies are busy going after that very stranger who believes he or she can cure the virus or dispel the necromancy. Ha! What foolishness! Holy magic! Super virus antidotes! Why would any rational human believe in either? That’s right, my friend, stay skeptical and only believe what you see, the way you see it! Take a government job as “Soldier A” and don’t believe a thing your paranoid friend says unless you can stare down these so-called zombies face to face.

 

3. Firearms are overrated

Embedded within the zombie’s natural instincts are a fear of weapons. It is akin to a reflex, that they will respond to with violence for the purpose of self-preservation. So the best thing to do when confronted by zombies is to discard all weapons and then walk slowly away. The zombies will see that you are not a threat and leave you to your own devices. If you should have to fight a zombie, it should be with bare uncovered fisticuffs.  Keep in mind, that discarding all weapons includes swords, axes, spears, gauntlets and all types of weapons, not just firearms. But if you are following my wise and practical advice, there will unlikely be many times where you would have to resort to fighting the undead.

 

4. Walk for your lives

Zombies are rotting corpses. Now tell me, my dear reader, how many corpses last more than a day on a hot summer’s day such as today? Not many, my friend. Zombie turnover is quick, the horde will be mulch in no time. And unlike your average insects and other organisms that reproduce at a rapid rate, zombies need to infect more uninfected. If they can’t find new prey to make into “children” they are finished! Moreover, why run in such a panic? With those decrepit bodies, the zombies will shamble, not run. It is highly doubtful that the zombies will mutate into more predatory forms or that the summoner will enchant them will new hellish prowess. So go about your average business, go shopping for supplies, get prepared, and wait for it all to pass in your little bunker. Just don’t touch the undead when you go to market.

I hope tonight’s piece has dispersed a few of the misconceptions and inconsistencies around zombies. After all, I am only looking out for our species’ survival. I have many more quips and tips to share should we encounter a pending zombie apocalypse once I am finished with my… Final phase… But they shall be for another time. Join me next time when I will give a lecture on how to build the moat suited best for your fortress of evil.