The winter holidays keep rolling and we’ve got Christmas coming up. No ragnarok can stop the cheesy cornball holiday cheer, except one man.
Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, the insidious Inverseman here. I hope you all have gone and purchased my necromancy book after reading the preview from last time, just in time for the Barnes&Noble book signings. Today, I will be divulging into four wonderful ways you can “end the world” because the Mayans certainly had a lackluster performance yesterday.
1. Chaos! And Invade!
Nothing does my black heart good like a well-executed invasion. You summon your unholy allies from beyond and let them loose on the unsuspecting humans. Personally, I am partial to demons, but there is a cornucopia of options at your disposal. Zombies, other sentient life, alternate dimensional life, non-life, angels, organisms mutated by a super virus. Plenty of forces across time and space and between heaven and hell would pay top dollar to see this mudball wiped off the face of the galaxy. So rally the forces and wage the war that will end all wars.
Pros: You can partake in a pleasant bit of sport as you see the human resistance resist futilely. A favorite among chessmasters who plan every move and tactical takedown.
Cons: Minions. Sometimes if you want to get something evil done, you have to do it yourself. I cannot count the number of times a minion has failed me, even if you plan around their failure, why bother having them in that case? Feed them to your pet.
2. “D” is for Destruction
You have seven days to submit to my rule before I use the space cannon and wipe your race from the planet. Or perhaps you would prefer to crash a meteor or erupt a volcano. When destruction is your desire, I always recommend to “go big”. Big explosions, big devastation, suddenly pulling the plug on reality. You can never go small and you can never be subtle. This method is for those that enjoy the grandstanding, the ultimatum, and the sheer suspense. Whereas the previous way of ending the world is very hands-on and involved, this malicious method has you sitting back and watching your victims writhe in pain and suffering. If that’s not your thing, then blast away, your prey won’t see it coming.
Pros: The looks on your victims faces before you raze the earth to the ground with your hellfire is just priceless. Especially when you want to give the “heroes” a chance that you know they do not actually have. Or just end them one day out of the blue for that jaw-dropping expression.
Cons: Hiding the doomsday cannon is like hiding a surprise birthday present. You really just want to fire the thing, and it’s the worst when someone spoils a good surprise.
3. A Can of Human Remover
Sometimes you just want everyone to somehow disappear, so why not? When you bargain with the time lords for a way to erase all sentient life, who cares if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it? Because no one will be around to ask that silly question again! Perhaps you like nature or perhaps you have a soft spot for ghost towns, then removing your prey from this plane of existence will keep all of that intact. How you find a way to eliminate just the humans is where you get creative. Teleportation, timestream manipulation, the ability to “unmake” things with magic, or perhaps covert assassinations. Use those godly powers to the nth degree.
Pros: No muss, no fuss. It gets the job done ASAP. Then you can enjoy what’s left of the universe all to yourself and whoever you choose to spare.
Cons: It can get boring. If you have the “big-ness” to do something like this, you may as well choose any other method. Personally, I am a man who values means as well as the ends. You want to have fun when you end the world after all.
4. Death and Taxes
Let society and the world ruin itself. On one side you have crippling debt, deteriorating governing systems, war, and other sundry societal ails. On the other hand you have the spread of ignorance among the populace, the waning moral fiber, and exploiting the generally cynical attitudes from people that ironically contribute to those three things while they stand staunchly against them under the banner of “human progress” or whatever flavor of justice we have this century. Push people in the right direction, let their self-destructive tendencies become status quo, and to ensure victory make social pariahs of anyone who stands in the way on popular social and communications media. Then you set it and forget it. It’s the hands-off apocalypse.
Pros: If you’re the poetic type, and no other method has piqued your interest, then go ahead with this one. If the young undergraduates at your typical college campus are well-prepared to implode their own futures with all the things that make them not want to live on this planet anymore, then you have it in the bag. Consider becoming a pop culture icon.
Cons: I retract my statements about the previous method being the most humdrum. This method is, but it’s effective. You better be in for the long haul too.
And those are four ways you, the aspiring villain, can end the world. Personally, I wished those Mayans built some ancient automatons animated with black magic to destroy the world once their internal clock suffered from a “Y2K bug” but alas, I found no such mechas in my South America secret base. Join me next time when I give a seminar on how do properly perform an evil laugh.
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