2013 looks like its going to be a very good year for movies. The next Paranormal Activity movie, the second in the Hobbit trilogy, the new Iron Man and Thor sequels, the new Star Trek, and quality actors in what looks like quality films. But let’s be honest here: not all of them are going to be winners. In fact, there’s a good portion of them are going to be terrible failures. And while we can’t predict them all, it shouldn’t be too difficult to point out which ones look like they will suck. Let’s not sugar coat it.
10) The Wolverine
Expected Release Date: July 26th
To say that Hugh Jackman is my favorite male actor is an understatement. I love almost everything he’s in. I even liked X-men Origins: Wolverine, which was a giant pile of crap, just because he was in it. I am a devoted fangirl, but I am not stupid. This, as the sequel to Origins, could spell disaster just like the first one. I mean, Darron Aronofsky was going to direct, but now we’ve got James Mangold who I only respect cause he did Girl, Interrupted and Walk the Line, which proves he can make good films. Still, I’m hoping they can prove the first film was a fluke and make this truly great. If not, we’ll someday get the sequel to X-men First Class.
9) A Good Day to Die Hard
Expected Release Date: February 14th
Why are there more movies? No one even remembers any of the other movies except the first one. Cause the first one was the only good one. And when did Bruce Willis’s character get a son? I’m sort of sick of seeing this “Let’s go fight Russia and China cause they’re communists and therefore EVIL” making its way back into cinema. The cold war is over, guys. This could potentially be a okay-to-good film, but I wouldn’t bet on this pony to re-energize the series as a whole.
8) Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
Expected Release Date: January 25th
I don’t know what has this decade so obsessed with fairytales, and I don’t think I want to. I wrote a whole article last year about the obsession with Snow White, but it looks like it didn’t end there. Now, we have Jeremy Renner, off his very successful role as Hawkeye in The Avengers, to make…this. Why? I don’t know, contractual obligations I guess. It’s supposedly to be an “action comedy” which means that the premise is so stupid they had to try and make it just the littlest bit intentionally funny. Unfortunately, it looks like the only joke is how anyone thought this film was ever going to make back its budget.
7) Pain and Gain
Expected Release Date: April 26th
Dear Michael Bay, enough is enough. Stop. You’ve made your billions. Go retire. We don’t need more explosion-filled brightly-colored movies. Especially not filled with meat-heads like this film is. Seriously, we’re good on that front. You can just cancel this release, no one wants to spend money on this. Wait they do? People want to see this? … well crap. Carry on.
6) Oldboy (American remake)
Expected Release Date: October 11th
If you’ve read my other articles, you know I hate remakes. I made this argument with Girl with the Dragon Tattoo about a year ago. Admittedly, the original Swedish version is not a masterpiece of cinema, and could have used some improvement. But this is Oldboy, one of the greatest films in the history of cinema, beloved by critics and cinephiles around the globe. This is almost like trying to remake The Godfather – there’s no reason to do so, it’s perfect exactly how it is. I don’t question that Spike Lee is a great director, but even great directors shouldn’t tamper with other famous works. I don’t think I could bear to watch this unless it somehow gets amazing reviews. And I’m pretty sure that’s not happening.
5) The Host
Expected Release Date: March 29th
When I saw this trailer in theaters, at the midnight showing of the first Hobbit movie, people booed at this trailer and I was so happy for humanity. Yes, Stephanie Meyers non-vampire book has been adapted into a movie because when you get a cash cow, you don’t let it just sit pretty in the barn. However, this entry is not as low as it could be on the list because I actually read this book. Yeah, don’t you judge me, I was still in high school and was reading it for laughs. For the plot, it’s actually not bad – it could be made into a half decent film in the right hands. But probably not.
4) Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
Expected Release Date: August 23rd
Hello new Twilight. That didn’t take very long, now did it? Look like Hollywood executives are looking to keep their strangle hold on the teenage female market. Well, this would be the way to do it. At least we have angels and demons instead of vampires or witches, the more classic YA romance novel fare. Based on an somewhat popular series of books which I’ve never read, the Mortal Instruments series is gearing up to be the next big adaptation franchise. Hopefully, they either do it well and it should go the way of Eragon and stop in its tracks with the first film.
3) Beautiful Creatures
Expected Release Date: February 13rd
Hello, other new Twilight. I see your insipid nature hasn’t changed with the new packaging with this incarnation. It’s a reverse of the situation – boy meets mysterious, supernatural girl and falls in love, but that’s really all semantics. The tone is similar, the story bears heavy resemblance (though not identical, mind you, so long as they keep the original ending) to Twilight. However, since it looks like their trying to bring witches back from their brief stint in the 1990s, and the early 2000s, it’s pretty much guaranteed this movie is going win the hearts of screaming fangirls, and earn the scorn of critics.
2) After Earth
Expected Release Date: June 7th
Okay, who let M. Night Shyalaman near a film set again? What I think is really funny is that the advertising doesn’t mention him at all, but there he is, in the director’s slot. And yes, it has Will Smith, and his now-creepily-older son Jaden Smith, but that’s not enough to save a movie like this – not even close. Granted, maybe he’s had much less of a hand in this film, but it still feels like a failure waiting to happen. I’m not big on surviving-hostile-environment sci-fi, and this film looks like the most generic form of this subgenre. I really do want to be proven wrong on this one, but just by the looks of the trailer, my expectations are pretty low.
1) Scary Movie 5
Expected Release Date: April 12th
Dear movie industry. Stop. STOP. Look at your choices. Look at what you’ve green-lit. These movies haven’t been genuinely funny since the second one. And that was when I was 12. When you’re 12, everything is funny – even lame fart jokes are funny. They don’t even have Anna Faris or Regina Hall, who were the funniest parts of any of the movies, replacing them with reality stars and Ashley Tisdale, of High School Musical infamy. That sentence physically pained me to type. Seriously, for the love of all that is good, do not go see this movie in theaters. Do not give these people your money. Maybe then they’ll stop making these things. Or at least stop ripping off other terrible parodies like A Haunted House.