Elessar’s 5 Worst Movies of 2013

manofsteelgallerycover

The end of a year is a…let’s call it purging. As the year draws to a close, we begin to think about the movies from the previous year, and try to identify the good and the bad. And so, every year I like to name my Top 10 and Worst 5 movies of the year. And since I’m not ready to announce my Top 10 (still hoping to see Inside Llewyn Davis, Her and Zero Theorem before I announce them) I thought I’d lead off with my Worst 5. Why only 5? Because all these filmmakers didn’t go the extra mile, so why should I?

#5: Man of Steel (site review here)

I nicknamed this movie Man of Crotch due to...his unfortunate costume.

I nicknamed this movie Man of Crotch due to…his unfortunate costume.

Oh, don’t look at me like that. Half the critics will be putting this on their worst of the year, although there’s a good chance the other half will have it on their best of the year. But for my money, Man of Steel was stiff, boring and stupid, with a lazy screenplay and an unrelenting grim tone. Yes, the big final action scene was quite impressive looking, but when I don’t care about the characters, it’s still boring. But hey, I think Zack Snyder is improving.

#4: Star Trek Into Darkness (site review here)

Note the lack of Stars or Trekking on this poster.

Note the lack of Stars or Trekking on this poster.

Oooh, this one’s not gonna win me any friends. Look, before I go on, lemme just say to all the Benedict Cumberbatch fangirls, no it’s not his fault, he was pretty good in this. What let it down was a lame script, boring characterization that just redid the character arcs from the first movie and a story full of plot holes. From the opening scene, where the characters spout off their catchphrases like sitcom characters 2 seasons after it should have been canceled, the movie just went down hill. And you know what bothers me? If you took the title off that poster, you’d have no way of telling it was a Star Trek movie.

#3: World War Z

"All this devastation. All this potential for a good movie. All my credibility as an actor. All gone."

“All this devastation. All this potential for a good movie. All my credibility as an actor. All gone.”

You know what bothers me? The zombie romantic comedy had more gore than this movie. Limp, appropriately lifeless, and utterly stupid, with it’s only original idea hamstrung by terrible execution, World War Z isn’t so much a movie as it is a Frankenstein’s monster of other better movies. It’s 28 Days Later without the skills, Dawn of the Dead without the social commentary, the Dawn of the Dead remake without the balls. For god’s sake, they ripped a scene off from Snakes on a Plane. If that’s not scraping the bottom of the barrel, I don’t know what is.

#2: Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

This poster is 100 percent more pornographic than the movie. Also 100 percent more interesting.

This poster is 100 percent more pornographic than the movie. Also 100 percent more interesting.

I’ve never actually seen a Tyler Perry movie in time to slap it on one of my worst lists, so this is a very exciting moment for me. But don’t go into this movie expecting a fun bad movie, like The Room or Showgirls. This movie is to Showgirls what Birdemic is to The Room: preachy, boring, and insufferable. I never thought a movie in which a character proclaims “That boy is gonna drag you STRAIGHT TO HELL!” could be so boring. And I’d say this would be the worst he could do, except his latest Madea movie has Larry the Cable Guy in it.

#1: The Lone Ranger (site review here)

"Johnny. Johnny why are you wearing that? Johnny answer me. Johnny, don't shut me out."

“Johnny. Johnny why are you wearing that? Johnny answer me. Johnny, don’t shut me out.”

Aw, we all knew this was gonna be here. Congrats Johnny, you finally got on my worst of the year list. But you know what’s fun about this movie? The fact that Depp’s bizarre, racist, idiotic, offensive on a hundred levels, holy-god-what-were-they-thinking turn as Tonto isn’t the only bad thing about it. Or even the worst thing. All of Gore Verbinski’s worst qualities crammed into a single 2 hours. And poor Armie Hammer, who’s career is probably going to be taking the brunt of the fallout from this movie’s massive failure.

Let’s hope for better next year.

Elessar is a 23 year old Alaskan born cinephile and he apologizes for recycling any jokes about these movies.

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Elessar

Elessar is a 25 year old Alaskan born cinephile with an obsession with Nicolas Cage and a god complex. His favorite movie is Blade Runner and his least favorite is The Condemned...which probably says more about him than he wants it to.

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Elessar

Elessar is a 25 year old Alaskan born cinephile with an obsession with Nicolas Cage and a god complex. His favorite movie is Blade Runner and his least favorite is The Condemned...which probably says more about him than he wants it to.

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