Objection! – 2013 Oscars

Elessar: Hello and welcome to another exciting edition of Objection! I’m Elessar.

Starshine: And I’m Starshine!

Elessar: And our topic today is quite possibly the most cliched thing we could discuss; The Oscars!

Starshine: Cliche but definitely the highlight of the award season, as it is the only one I can watch without rolling my eyes.

Amry Oscar

Elessar: This is true. So, without any further BS, let’s get straight to it. The first and most important award: Best Picture! Starshine, who do you think is gonna win/should win?

Starshine: That’s a tough one as there are some really great films this year. But when you get right down to it, 12 Years a Slave has earned that Oscar sevenfold.

Elessar: That’d be my choice for who should win as well, and luckily enough I think it’s probably gonna win. The only other major contender at this point I feel is Gravity, which is probably the second best nominee, since the Academy’s brain stopped working for 20 minutes and they forgot to nominate Inside Llewyn Davis.

He looks thoroughly unamused about the Academy's decision.

He looks thoroughly unamused about the Academy’s decision.

Starshine: That was definitely one of the big snubs of the year. It really makes no sense. I think another contender could be Dallas Buyer’s Club.

Elessar: It’s possible, but I tend to doubt it. I think Dallas will walk away with an acting award or two, but not the big one. And part of the reason is Dallas Buyer’s Club is not represented in our next category: Best Director.

Starshine: Ah, Best Director, always the most weirdly subjective category. I’m going to break away from the pack and say I’m rooting for Alexander Payne OR Alfonso Cuaron. Nebraska is an astonishing movie that benefited from a talented director and as an experience-film, Gravity only works because of the strong directing.

Elessar: I’d say Cuaron has a pretty solid shot at it, especially if they decide to give 12 Years the big prize. His direction was brilliant and he’s been due for a while (to my readers: I know most of you haven’t seen Children of Men. Fix that. NOW!). I’d like Cuaron to win or McQueen, but Payne would be a solid choice as well, as he to has been due for a big win for a while now. So long as Russell doesn’t get it.

Starshine: If David O. Russell wins I will flip every table in New York and the tri-state area. If you wanna talk about who should have been left off the Best Picture list, it should have been American Hustle.

Elessar: Oh yes. I’d love to see them pull Hustle for Inside Llewyn Davis, or even Saving Mr. Banks, or hell just pull it to hand Her more nominations. But I believe it’s time we move on to our next category, Best Actor, which will probably go to someone I share a last name with.

Starshine: Honestly, this could be Leo’s year since it really doesn’t seem to belong to anyone, which means they’ll vote him for his past works. Still, Ejiofor and Dern have decent shots at the prize. Not Christian Bale. None for him.

This is the man who has put his body through hell for awards. A true thespian.

This is the man who has put his body through hell for awards. A true thespian.

Elessar: Bale has won already and too recently. Dern, DiCaprio, Ejiofor, even McConnaughey would all be solid choices. I’d like it to go to Ejiofor, but so long as it doesn’t go to Bale, I’ll be happy. So I’ll stick by my prediction of McConnaughey, with maybe DiCaprio as an upset.

Starshine: Poor Leo, he’s always so good in the years where people are better, and mediocre is the years when he would have had a shot.

Elessar: Eh, there are plenty of actors who have given better performances than him in weirder movies without ever even getting nominated (Paul Giamatti, Sam Rockwell, John Turturo). Also the entire budget of said movies wouldn’t even pay Leo’s salary, so I think he’ll live.

Starshine: Fair enough. Shall we move on to Best Supporting Actor?

Elessar: We shall. And I’m gonna break with tradition and say that I want Barkhad Abdi to win. I think Jared Leto WILL win, but Abdi would be the best choice.

Starshine: I actually agree with you, Abdi was amazing. Personally, I think Fassenebender might beat out Leto but it’s really anyone’s race at this point.

Elessar: It is, the entire category is very close. I’d say Leto is the favorite, Fassbender is the upset, Abdi is the most deserving and Cooper is the “Why are you here?”

Starshine: Damn American Hustle sneaking into the categories. How about for Lead Actress? If anyone but Meryl Streep wins I will be a little disappointed.

Elessar: Meryl isn’t gonna win, not a 4th time. I’d say it’s a two horse race between Amy Adams and Cate Blanchett. Cate is fine, even though I haven’t Blue Jasmine yet, because I like her a lot and Adams is fine because I can plug my ears and pretend she’s winning for Her. Or The Master.

Because, let's be frank, she was more robotic in this than the AI in Her.

Because, let’s be frank, she was more robotic in this than the AI in Her.

Starshine: Damn The Master was a great movie. She was great in Hustle but ONLY for the sexual tension parts. Literally that is all I can give her the credit for. There’s something I fundamentally don’t like about Blanchett, but it’s probably her prim and regal attitude.

Elessar: Blanchett is Galadriel, Galdriel gets Oscar, Elessar is happy. You can probably guess I like Lord of the Rings, based on, you know, my writing name, So, shall we move to the next category?

Starshine: Supporting Actress has to go to Lupita Nyong’o or I will shit blood. Seriously, there is no contest. Mail her the Oscar.

Elessar: I agree. Lupita Nyong’o is the only nominee, she will win without question and if I refuse to acknowledge any of the other nominees then it will come true. So we’re gonna quietly move on to the next category without acknowledging annnnnnyone else.

Starshine: Animated feature is a doozy this year, and its funny to see Pixar shunned off the list, the first acknowledgment that their movies are in fact going downhill.

Elessar: Heh. We’re not gonna talk about Pixar. Ask me how some people reacted to me saying that Up was the 4th best animated movie of 2009 sometime. But anyway, I’d normally say Frozen has this in the bag, but the fact that The Wind Rises is Miyazaki’s last film might tip it a tiny bit in his favor.

Someone's looking confident...

Someone’s looking confident…

Starshine: It is actually not his last film, since he said he changed him mind (for the 10th time, how is anyone fooled into thinking he’ll actually retire?) but it is a Miyazaki and it carries with it a certain sense of quality and style. It really will be a showdown between the two. Dreamworks will have to try next year though I think their works, like Kung Fu Panda and How To Train Your Dragon are seriously unrated by the film community at large.

Elessar: To be fair, the last time he said it, he wasn’t 73 years old. I think Dreamworks is a victim of the style of movie they used to make, rather than the kind they make now. I think Frozen will grab it, but people guessing Wind won’t be dismissed as crazy. So, moving on to Foreign I believe?

Starshine: Italy will be the big winner this year, as they usually are, but Camodia shouldn’t be dismissed just yet.

Elessar: That’s true, but I think Italy will grab it. I’m personally rather shocked by the fact that Blue is the Warmest Colour isn’t even nominated.

Starshine: It was way too pornographic for the Academy. I am not shocked AT ALL.

Elessar: Oh I dunno. Y Tu Mama Tambien got nominated for Screenplay and it was easily as pornographic as Blue.

Starshine: But this is lesbian porn. Clearly different to the Academy.

The Academy is, of course, usually a decade behind in these things.

The Academy is, of course, usually a decade behind in these things.

Elessar: Hey, the two guys in Y Tu got it on…sort of. There’s no way for me to elaborate without making this article extremely NSFW, so let’s move on.

Starshine: All right, in terms of the best screenplays, best adapted will go to 12 Years a Slave and original to Her (though I wish it was Nebraska).

Elessar: I’d say that’s probably pretty accurate, and both are good choices. I wouldn’t mind Original going to Nebraska, since they were both brilliant movies. They do love giving screenplay awards to Payne, don’t they?

Starshine: Always the screenwriter, never the director apparently. His work is great though, so I hope it gets honored again this year. So, what do you think is the year’s biggest snub?

Elessar: Inside Llewyn Davis was my big snub. I put Stoker ahead of it on my top 10, but even I’m not silly enough to think that Stoker had a chance in hell of being nominated for anything. But I imagine in a few years, they’ll be regretting not nominating Davis. Hell, they might be regretting it now.

Starshine: Honestly, I think Tom Hanks got the shaft for Best Actor, especially for Captain Philips where he is in rare form. Also, what the Hell is up with the Hair and Makeup category? No to Hobbit but yes to Jackass?

Elessar: I…I do not know. I honestly do not know how they looked at the makeup in Lone Ranger and said ‘Yeah, that’s Oscar worthy.’ I would be a little more mad about Hanks not being nominated (still on my top 10) but Abdi not getting nominated would have been a much bigger snub.

Starshine: It would have been an insult. But in the end, we can all be glad Alone Yet Not Alone got its nomination taken away for Best Original Song.

Yup, totally deserved the nomination, 100%. Excuse me while I never stop laughing about this.

Yup, totally deserved the nomination, 100%. Excuse me while I never stop laughing about this.

Elessar: I am kind of glad to hear that. I’m also realllllly tempted to see if I can track down a copy of Alone Yet Not Alone to review. Because I hate myself you see.

Starshine: We should Skype watch it together and do a combo review. We would win the Internet.

Elessar: I’ll see what I can do. I have a fairly high tolerance for bad movies, as evidenced by the fact that I own The Room on blu-ray.

Starshine: You are indeed one for bad movies. My constitution is weak on that one.

Elessar: It’s an acquired ability. So, any wrap up thoughts?

Starshine: This was not a great year for movies but there were good enough films that my faith isn’t quite lost yet.

Elessar: I’ll agree with that. No Moonrise Kingdom or Cloud Atlas to knock me on my ass, but enough good to great films to keep my faith going. At least until I die of sequel induced apathy.

Starshine: Ahem to that one. Here’s to Grand Budapest Hotel and Jupiter Rising!

Elessar: Indeed. So that’s it for Objection! As always, I’m Elessar, signing off.

The following two tabs change content below.


Elessar is a 25 year old Alaskan born cinephile with an obsession with Nicolas Cage and a god complex. His favorite movie is Blade Runner and his least favorite is The Condemned...which probably says more about him than he wants it to.

Latest posts by Elessar (see all)


Elessar is a 25 year old Alaskan born cinephile with an obsession with Nicolas Cage and a god complex. His favorite movie is Blade Runner and his least favorite is The Condemned...which probably says more about him than he wants it to.

Leave a Reply