Feb 122013
 

Hello Moar Powah readers! Every year around this time, men and women all around the world celebrate a day of love with their special someone. For those of us who have no one, well, we can always cuddle up with a work of fiction so that we can imagine that noxious cheesy bliss only people in relationships get to feel. But what about the fictional people who would make terrible significant others? Well, let’s look at the lads and ladies who’d you be better off not never being bed-fellows with.

No_Love-valentine

10) ANYONE FROM TWILIGHT. AT ALL. EVER.

twilight

Please tell me I don’t have to explain any of this to you guys. Seriously, please tell me that’s the case. No one in this series knows how to have a serious relationship that is not about stalking, lack of mutual respect, some form of abuse, or the general emotional and physical well being of either person. It is a legitimately disturbing look into what some people classify as romance and love.  A werewolf is sworn life-mates-friends-babysitter to a child that was just born, and knew this the moment he saw her, and that’s not even the worst one. What was Meyer’s thinking when she wrote this crap? Oh right, she wasn’t, that’s how that happened. A relationship with anyone in this book could only end one of two ways: years of therapy and a restraining order, or becoming a vampire hunter.

9) Ariel – The Little Mermaid

ariel little mermaid

Every list has to have a manic pixie girl on it. We’re going with the original one – everyone’s favorite red-head Disney princess Ariel. Quirky to the max, has her own hipster meme, always dreaming and full of whimsy without ever considering real world consequence; Ariel in a nutshell, or should I say seashell. But even beyond this, she’s pretty terrible.

She’s totally un-resourceful to the point where all her sea critter friends have to bail her out of almost all situations. She’s impulsive and pretty stupid. Ursula doesn’t even have to hide the consequences of losing the deal – she shows her in the middle of the song. And yet Ariel doesn’t think “Oh jeeze, turning into a weird crusty miserable bottomfeeder for eternity? Yeah, no thanks,” but rather “OMG LET’S DO THIS.” Honestly, fools may rush in, but only true idiots will get into an arrangement where losing turns you into a scraggly poop monster. She’d be way more trouble than she’s worth.

8) Sam Winchester – Supernatural

sam winchester

There is only one real reason you should never date Sam. It’s not his job as a monster hunter. It’s not that he has demon blood. It’s not that his brother Dean is way better looking. Everything Sam Winchester loves dies in horrible ways. His mother, murdered and engulfed in flames by a demon. His college girlfriend, the same way. His father, killed in order to save Dean.

Dean gets murdered a whole bunch of times in the show. Jo, Bobby, Rufus, the list goes on. Everyone associated with him dies. Hell, Dean has some steady girlfriends and they all get to live, and Sam himself only “dies” twice (getting trapped in Hell as Lucifer’s vessel doesn’t count). In the current season, he has a love interest who I’m just waiting to see bite the bullet because it will happen eventually. It is completely unavoidable – thus is the law of Supernatural.

7) Anyone from Neon Genesis Evangelion

neon-genesis-evangelion

Originally, I was just going to put down Shinji Ikari, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that every person in this list would need to be on the list. There is not a single individual in this show who is not plagued with various disturbing attributes and issues. Asuka has abandonment, trust, and mother issues. Rei is a clone questioning her own existence. Gendo’s a jerk who wants all individuals to be a giant ocean of blood. Risako has mother issues and terrible taste in men.  Misato has father issues, vulnerability problems, and the beginnings of some severe alcoholism. Shinji is just a hundred types of crazy. Hell, even the minor characters have major psychological issues, which the show has no problem pushing to the limit. Crazy isn’t sexy. Especially when said crazies dictate the future of the planet.

6) Chell – Portal Series

chell

Of everyone on the list, Chell has the least amount of personality we see in any of these media. She’s the player avatar, she has very little in the way of thoughts and dreams that we the player get to know. But let’s be honest, after fighting an omnipresent AI twice, and after passing through some grueling tests that were designed to kill you, Chell would have some very deep psychological issues. For one, she’d have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and probably wouldn’t know what to do with her freedom once she has it.

She certainly would have issues trusting technology, maybe even people. She has, as far as we know, very little knowledge of the world as it is now, and possibly no real skill sets other than fighting machine and destroying stuff. All that would make her is a good soldier, which is like putting more crazy on the PTSD-pizza. We’re not saying she wouldn’t be an awesome person to hang out with, or maybe buy a real cake for, but maybe not someone to let near your sleeping body. Or a weapon. Really, both.

5) Walter Sullivan – Silent Hill 4

walter sullivan

Some of you might be thinking that I should have put everyone from any Silent Hill game, cause it’s a very messed up series. But there are plenty of characters from many of the games who aren’t scarred forever by the events of Silent Hill. Heather Mason from the third game turns out all right, Laura from SH2, Henry and Eileen from this game, Alex from Homecoming, and the list goes on. But Walter is the one of the few people within the game that fangirls seem to love and yet, he’s a ritualistic serial killer who wants to revive his mother, who he thinks is an apartment. Not IN an apartment, mind you. He thinks his mother IS  an apartment.

NOT. SUITABLE. FOR. RELATIONSHIP. Not to mention in the game he attempts to kill the only woman he ever really loved, along with everyone he perceived to do him wrong. And also children…just because. There’s nothing in the ritual about needing kids to die, especially ones he didn’t actually know. Does it anyways! And he has a small child alter ego who goes around dictating (supposedly) who to kill and watches it happen. There’s messed up, there’s fucked up, and then there’s you-need-to-stand-100-yards-away-at-all-times. And then there’s Walter.

4) The Joker and Harley Quinn- Batman Franchise

joker harley

CRAZY. IS. NOT. SEXY. Why do people constantly want to be with these two? Unless you were as emotionally disturbed, and in some case, as invincible, as them, you’d never even get through a first date. If anything, these two are the most unstable on the list, especially considering they have weapons (and lots of them). The Joker is almost chaos incarnate – trying to be with him would be like trying to date the Sun. You could never handle it and would be dead within seconds. That goes for Quinn too. After all, you’re one explosion or acid-shooting flower squirt away from a long-term hospital visit. Or a trip to the morgue.

3) Sherlock Holmes – The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes/Sherlock/Elementary/too much else to name

sherlock holmes

See, the idea of Sherlock Holmes is romantic – all-knowing super witty detective who can dissect a person just by looking at them. And that sounds pretty awesome…until he start doing it to you. See, you think he might not say anything rude or insulting things to you, but you can’t guarantee that. Also, he is a drug addict, and prone to mood swings and playing the violin at all hours of the morning. I play violin and I can tell you nothing, but nothing, is less conducive to sleep than hearing the violin, especially those high E’s. He’s volatile, emotionally distant, has no consideration for social norms, and acts more like a petulant child than a grown adult when he’s bored. We love him cause he’s a badass, but admiration for his skills will not stop your from breaking that violin over his head, I guarantee it.

2) Anthy Himemiya- Revolutionary Girl Utena

anthy

There are people with problems. And then you meet people like Anthy, and then you realize those other people are lucky compared to the mountain of awful problems this girl has been through and accumulates throughout the course of her show. There’s a ton of fan speculation on whether they way she acts is due to an inordinate amount of abuse and suffering, or if she’s really insane and manipulative. Among her many, many disturbing traumas, there’s rape, incest, incestuous rape, being chased by angry mobs, and stabbed by a thousand swords. And that’s just scratching the gross skin on the pudding cup that is all the awful things Anthy has happen to her…and that Anthy does. Keep in mind, she is as much a predator as prey, and she will poison your cookies…and then stab you. If you’re dying to be her prince on a white horse, you might want to turn your equine around and get the Hell out of Dodge.

1) Captain America/Steve Rogers - Captain America/The Avengers/Multiple Comics

captain-america

You might be thinking, “Really? That’s the absolute worst? Captain Goody-Two-Shoes?” Yes, actually  being in a relationship with him would be pretty awful. In The Avengers he’s been frozen for 70 years, meaning he is as old as your grandfather. Maybe even older than that! That means he has the same mentality of someone living in the 1940s. You know, before feminism and civil rights and the Internet. That’s not to say he’s a chauvinistic or a racist, but he has missed out on some of the biggest historical events of the 20th century, and a lot of the changes in attitude, cultural perception, language, etc.

A lot changes in ten years – imagine what it’s like to wake up 3/4 of a century later. He’ll have more questions than a small child, and might act either antiquated or inappropriately in any given situation, which can be tricky to deal with or explain. But let’s say he’s completely caught up mentally, and is just like any other person living in the here and now (which is unlikely but for the sake of argument…), you still have the guilt. The guilt over the death of Bucky. The guilt over leaving Peggie behind. The guilt about his dead friends and comrades.

Hell, almost everyone he knows is dead or really, really old. Imagine if everyone you know is gone, or in senior housing – how depressing and lonely is that? Not to mention he’s a very self sacrificing character who ultimately puts others before himself always. That means two things – likely to be killed in action, and always out trying to save people. Not exactly best boyfriend material. Plus, we get the feeling he’s got something on the down low with Tony Stark.

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Starshine5050

As just a regular, hard-working work, often-stressing, procrastination-mastering history and journalism student, I often turn to the silver and small screens for relief, even though I'm only an average cinema-and-television loving viewer, commenting on what, and does not, makes good entertainment. I love horror everything - book, TV shows, games, movies - even though they frighten me terribly. I'm a long time believer of the old saying "When life gives you lemons, don't take life's lemons! Give the lemons back!" So, onward I go, returning lemons and logging an unhealthy amount of screen time for your enjoyment. So please be sure to read my stuff and let me know what you think, I'm alway looking to improve and be the best, most cynical critic I can be!

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